Oscars viewing guide

Your handy roadmap to the Academy Awards telecast

By Amir Kenan

Posted March 3, 2010

Metromix

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The carpet will be red, the statues will be gold and the teeth will be whiter than nature intended them.

Yes, the Oscars are back, and apparently last year's collection of movies were just so gosh darn good (who didn't see "The Blind Side" and think, "Now that should win an Academy Award!") that this year they've expanded the short list to 10 best picture nominees.

To help you mentally prepare for a night's worth of good looking people pretending they're happy just to be nominated, here's a roadmap to this year's Oscars telecast:

The Barbara Walters Special
Babwa herself announced that this, the 29th Oscars night edition of "The Barbara Walters Special," will be her last. (Insert frowny, heavily botoxed emoticon here.) That means no more soft focus lens, and no more weepy celebs letting us into the living rooms of their summer homes and bowling us over just how normal they are despite their success. And happiness. And live-in butler.

Oscars Red Carpet
This year's Golden Globes red carpet was a total wash (it rained... get it?), and we're hoping that inspires all the pretty Hollywood people  to dress up extra fancy-like for the Academy Awards. A word to the wise: the "Oscars Red Carpet" special will be preceded by something called "On the Red Carpet at the Oscars." Expect interviewers standing "on the red carpet"... with nary a celebrity in sight.

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards
Here's what you won't see at this year's Oscars: Sacha Baron Cohen. The British comedian, best known by his aliases Borat, Bruno and Ali G (and famous for his awards show shenanigans), will not be performing an "Avatar"-inspired sketch with Ben Stiller as had been previously planned. According to Cohen's publicist, the switcheroo is due to "creative differences," but show insiders reveal that the producers were afraid of offending the film's director, James "I'm king of the world" Cameron. Oh, and the best song nominees performing their songs as in years past? Forget it. Producers have nixed live song performances to accommodate the larger list of nominated films. Bummer.

Jimmy Kimmel Post-Oscars Show
We'll be honest. We like Jimmy and his late night show well enough, but we mostly tune in when Kimmel gets his ABC post show exclusives, including last week's "After the 'After the Final Rose'" interview with new Bachelorette Ali and this week's Oscars aftershow. Added incentive to tune in: word on the street is that the new "Iron Man 2" trailer will screen during the live post-Oscars show.

Oscars Night TV Alternatives
Don't feel like spending six hours of your life watching rich and famous people hands out awards to slightly less rich and famous people? Here are some Oscars night TV alternatives:

  • A&E: "Dog the Bounty Hunter" marathon. Nuff said.
  • AMC: Oscar favorites all day long, including "The Godfather Part II," "Philadelphia" and "Mystic River."
  • NBC: "Bad Boys 2." If you watch this instead of the Oscars telecast, we're defriending you. Seriously.

"The 82nd Annual Academy Awards" airs live this Sunday, March 7, at 8:30 p.m. ET on ABC.