'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen' review

A 150-minute simulation of life in a garbage disposal

By Matt Pais

Posted June 23, 2009

Metromix

Two years after the original "Transformers" turned a line of toys into a global movie phenomenon, all of our important questions will finally be answered. Will Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and Mikaela (Megan Fox) have the guts to—giggle!—say the L word? Has the orange babe (Isabel Lucas) lusting after Sam at college been tanning or bathing in Cheetos? Can the friendly Autobots defeat the evil Decepticons without smashing holes in the planet? Will this ringing in my ears ever go away?

The buzz: The entertaining "Transformers" wasn't the world's smartest movie, but its sexiness and rock 'em sock 'em destruction more than satisfied the base desires of the 10-year-old mind. Now moderation-phobic director Michael Bay returns for the sequel with a gargantuan running time that still falls a half-hour shy of "Pearl Harbor." LaBeouf suffered a serious hand injury during filming—hopefully audiences won't find the movie nearly as painful.

The verdict: Delivering noise as pointless as a chainsaw on a chalkboard, "Revenge of the Fallen" has no plan for its spectacle other than Bigger, Louder, MORE! That might suit the mood of anyone juiced up to Manny Ramirez levels, but even they won't stomach pathetic gags like Sam's mom accidentally eating pot brownies, a small robot humping Mikaela's leg or the huge machines uttering lines like, "Punk-ass, Decepticon," and, "It feels good to grab your flesh." Forget fun; watching this endless, incomprehensible assault is like losing a barfight.

Did you know? In one of the film's many, many laughably preposterous moments, a veteran robot (with a Scottish accent!) tells Sam about heroic Autobots who sacrificed themselves to create a tomb made of their very own bodies. Just think about that for a second.

Check for showtimes of "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" in IMAX

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