'Hannah Montana: The Movie' review

Completely nauseating, whether or not you've been jumping up and down in your seat

By Matt Pais

Posted April 9, 2009

Metromix

0.0

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Miley Cyrus (Credit: Sam Emerson/Disney)

Rather than showing kids that pop stars are real people too, Miley (Miley Cyrus) wears a blonde wig to "hide" the fact that she's superstar Hannah Montana from crazed (but oblivious) fans. When Miley/Hannah and her dad (Cyrus' Achy-Breaky dad, Billy Ray) return from L.A. to their roots in small town Tennessee, the ruse continues while Miley falls for a farmhand, Dad falls for a handywoman (Melora Hardin of "The Office") and, in a totally original plotline, the community tries to raise enough money to stop the construction of a shopping mall.

The buzz: How did Disney form a comedic musical franchise around a washed-up, non-funny country singer and his daughter—who can barely sing and whose acting style makes Amanda Bynes look subtle? (Makes you fear for what else the company is capable of.) At least Hannah gives five-year-old girls a lunchbox icon who isn't Britney Spears.

The verdict: Brilliant comic ideas include the explosion of a cake, the tipping of a ladder and the disappearance of a ferret. Sure, the careless, laugh-free "Hannah Montana" doesn't deliver any negative messages. But it also doesn't teach youngsters a gosh darn thing about honesty or family, and it doesn't even give Hannah/Miley any identifiable characteristics for girls to admire. (Quick, name three of her personality traits! Not so easy, is it?) No, this is nothing but an impersonal product manipulating kids who don't know better. All "Hannah Montana" does is steal their lunch money.

Did you know? If you can survive the following moments, you are either under the age of six or have superhuman patience: Hannah and Tyra Banks wrestling over shoes; Miley switching bowls to trick a tabloid reporter into eating super spicy salsa; and Miley leading a group in the "Hoedown Throwdown," a hip hop-meets-country line dance declaring, "Pop it, lock it and polka dot it." That is just so wrong.