Natalie Portman first said it in Closer, and Panic! At the Disco followed suit in telling us about the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. Jane Jones claims the answer is lying, but even she’s ready to admit that it’s better if you do remove some articles. Why is a girl writing this beat, you ask? Good question. Consider: are you likely to get an objective, accurate depiction of a venue coming from a man whose review session was spent in a hazed stupor trying to figure out which stripper is most likely to go home with him? “Boobs…lots of boobs” is not going to give anyone a decent idea of what the skin joint was actually like. So, testosterone boys and harlequin girls, we now set out to uncover the most fun a girl (or boy) can have while other girls are taking their clothes off.
Drinks: La Boheme boasts one of the most extensive champagne lists in North America, though some of us may find it a bit ironic that they don’t actually have a champagne room. Although the list and number fluctuate, look for about 60 bubbly options which are all stored in the on-premise cellar. Between the two bars (count a third if you include the VIP area), bartenders who are both friendly and fast, and the sexy, scantily clad cocktail waitresses, you won’t have to wait long for a drink, but expect to pay about 8 dollars per.
Décor: La Boheme has three main stages, bars lining each side, and a VIP area called the Pearl Room that hosts bottle service and private dances. (Chris Rock aside, there’s still no sex in the Pearl Room). The red curtains, adequate light, and the feeling that the place has actually been scrubbed down recently, are a few of the indications that you’ve come to a classier establishment than your average strip club. One of the walls is filled with snapshots of celebs who have freuqented the club before us. La Boheme is truly a place to see (both celebrities and girls) and be seen.
Crowd: Few things are more cliché, or depressing, in a strip club than this scenario: You enter a dank, dimply lit dive of an establishment only to find that, once again, it’s creepsters night at the club. We all know the one—the heavily bearded guys who are hunched over their booze with brims pulled low, and a stench of ale that one suspects is a permanent musk. Fortunately this scenario is not found in La Boheme. There are plenty of repeat customers, hipster locals who will come back again and again because the ladies are lovely and friendly. And given the convenient downtown location, you’ll also find visitors who stop in before making their rounds to other bars in the vicinity. Party nights, with themes like ’80s prom night’ and some seriously suggestive rounds of strip poker, ensure that the crowd is lively, and there are plenty of females there for some fun with their men as well. Get there after 11 p.m. to ensure a venue filled with a diverse mix of fun- and nude-loving folk.
Sounds: It sounds like not your typical house music bumping in this place. Although the girls don’t get to pick their own songs, and the three stages each have a girl dancing to the same song, you don’t feel like you’re being owned by that nefarious thump. It’s mainly twee, top-40 music, but they will switch it up on theme nights. Our favorites are the White Trash Party and 80’s prom, to name a few.
Girls: In case this is all you were looking to know, take it easy, shooter: the girls are indeed hot. If we’re all honest with ourselves, there’s nothing like a pregnant chick with black eyes and the strong suggestion of heroin use grinding up on a pole to put a damper on your enjoyment of a stripping establishment. The ladies of La Boheme are natural and healthy looking, and you’ll find a variety of shapes, sizes, colors, and tattoo art. They are also notoriously friendly, giving the impression that they are also having fun at their job rather than just being there to grab your bills and bolt. There are also plenty of entertainers, so if you’re into switching it up you can rest easy knowing that there’s a line change coming up within a few minutes, or meander over to the next stage down.
Food: Let’s all have a collective sigh of relief: they have done away with the sushi bar at La Boheme. It’s difficult to think of very few things that are more nauseating than having to smell raw fish on top of raw fish. (Possibly the pasta bar at another Denver strip club with the special alfredo sauce, but we shall save that for another day). The kitchen service has been downsized recently and the menu pared down to offer snacks rather than meals, so come with your appetite for lusty, teasing fun instead of food.
La Boheme Gentlemen's Cabaret
1443 Stout St.
Denver, CO 80202
303-820-3212
